From time immemorial, college professors have used their websites as a way to pontificate about random things. I now present to you, dear reader, a ranking of the flavors of LaCroix (binned into five ranked categories):


⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐


Passionfruit    
Like sticking an electrode in your passion-fruit neuron in your brain. What flavored seltzer should aspire to.
Cerise Limon    
Don't overthink this one - it's just delicious.
Key Lime    
The correct lime flavor. Probably can double as paint remover if concentrated.
Pamplemousse    
Duh. You've heard of "smells like teen spirit", but have you heard of "tastes like millenial nonsense?"
Peach-Pear    
Infinitely drinkable, sublime.


⭐⭐⭐⭐


Pina-Fraise    
Who knew that these went so well together. Who knew that you could achieve this flavor with natural essence.
LaCola    
Take one coca-cola bottle candy, put in a gallon of water, achieve instant aquatic enlightenment. Unusual, rare.
Pomme-Baya    
I've always hated cranberries, but this passes the test.
Berry    
What berry? The uncertainty here is killing me. But who cares, it's delicious.
Tangerine    
I feel as if this and key lime are super-charged versions of orange and lime. Does this taste like a real tangerine? Who knows, it's a robust version of orange though.
Orange    
An orange soda improved by subtlety.
Hi-Biscus    
A bold decision that broke the stale fruity stranglehold on normal LaCroix. I approve (in my personal capacity).


⭐⭐⭐


Apricot    
Tastewise a beige paint that's a little too shiny. Peach-pear is subtle; apricot is just a little too much.
Coconut    
Like coconut cake but liquid. It's not for us to know whether that's a good idea or not.
Coconut Cola    
Surprisingly inoffensive and drinkable but not clear what it has to do with cola.


⭐⭐


Lemon    
Like Star Wars, Dune, or Koyaanisqatsi, which are cliche precisely because they invented the cliche. This one's boring though.
Lime    
The "I mean, sure, I guess, if you want" flavor. Very much entry-level.





Cran-Raspberry    
Yech, but I hate cranberry.
Mango    
No.
Pure    
If you're drinking this, you've lost the plot
Cubana    
What's up with the can? What's up with the flavor?
Coffea Exotica    
Like a bad coffee candy. The fact that it says Coffea makes me suspicious. Why can't they call it coffee?




The UM regents may or may not approve of this ranking. But if you do, let me know (fouhey AT umich.edu).