From time immemorial, college professors have used their websites as a way to pontificate about
random things. I now present to you, dear reader, a ranking of the flavors of LaCroix (binned into five ranked categories):
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
 | Passionfruit Like sticking an electrode in your passion-fruit neuron in your brain. What flavored seltzer should aspire to. |
 | Cerise Limon Don't overthink this one - it's just delicious. |
 | Key Lime The correct lime flavor. Probably can double as paint remover if concentrated. |
 | Pamplemousse Duh. You've heard of "smells like teen spirit", but have you heard of "tastes like millenial nonsense?" |
 | Peach-Pear Infinitely drinkable, sublime. |
⭐⭐⭐⭐
 | Limoncello The type of limoncello you can drink in the office. Wonderfully refreshing and delicious. |
 | Pasteque Naming things in French makes them classier: "Steak frites", "Pamplemouse" and now "Pasteque". |
 | Pina-Fraise Who knew that these went so well together. Who knew that you could achieve this flavor with natural essence. |
 | LaCola Take one coca-cola bottle candy, put in a gallon of water, achieve instant aquatic enlightenment. Unusual, rare. |
 | Pomme-Baya I've always hated cranberries, but this passes the test. |
 | Berry What berry? The uncertainty here is killing me. But who cares, it's delicious. |
 | Tangerine I feel as if this and key lime are super-charged versions of orange and lime. Does this taste like a real tangerine? Who knows, it's a robust version of orange though. |
 | Orange An orange soda improved by subtlety. |
 | Hi-Biscus A bold decision that broke the stale fruity stranglehold on normal LaCroix. I approve (in my personal capacity). |
⭐⭐⭐
 | Apricot Tastewise a beige paint that's a little too shiny. Peach-pear is subtle; apricot is just a little too much. |
 | Coconut Like coconut cake but liquid. It's not for us to know whether that's a good idea or not. |
 | Melon Pomelo Close but no cigar. Not sure where the melon comes in. |
 | Coconut Cola Surprisingly inoffensive and drinkable but not clear what it has to do with cola. |
⭐⭐
 | Lemon Like Star Wars, Dune, or Koyaanisqatsi, which are cliche precisely because they invented the cliche. This one's boring though. |
 | Lime The "I mean, sure, I guess, if you want" flavor. Very much entry-level. |
⭐
 | Cran-Raspberry Yech, but I hate cranberry. |
 | Mango No. |
 | Pure If you're drinking this, you've lost the plot. |
 | Cubana What's up with the can? What's up with the flavor? |
 | Coffea Exotica Like a bad coffee candy. The fact that it says Coffea makes me suspicious. Why can't they call it coffee? |
The UM regents may or may not approve of this ranking. But if you do, let me know (fouhey AT umich.edu).